There was a time when my mom group chat was getting barraged with daily text messages from me nearly having a breakdown. While my daughter has always been funny, kind and affectionate, she’s also short-tempered, highly-sensitive, and irritable. Trying to get her out of the house in the morning was leading to epic episodes of challenging behavior. My friends texted their support, and everyone said she would outgrow it by five. When she didn’t, I knew I needed outside help. I finally called her pediatrician one morning, crying, and I said that I needed a children’s behavioral therapist. Since then, there has been a lot of learning — and unlearning — for all of us.
”Mommy, can you take a selfie with me?!!”
I have to parent based on my daughter’s needs, not try to fit her into my parenting strategies.
When I was pregnant, my husband and I were advised, “Pick your battles, but make sure you win every battle.” So, once we picked one, we never caved.
One morning my daughter was pleading with me to go to the bathroom with her. It seemed unnecessary and a way to discourage her confidence: she has gone on her own hundreds of times. Instead, I encouraged her to do it solo.
"You don't need me, you can do it," I said.
"Mommy, come with me!"
"You can do it! I’ll wait here for you!”
"Come with me! Come with me! Come. With. Meee!"
This tug-of-war went on for 15 minutes. I never caved, and she did it alone after a very loud, emotional standoff.
I saw this exchange as a battle I picked and had to win. If I gave in, I’d teach her to yell and scream, right? Wrong. There is a fine line between holding a boundary and not giving my daughter what she needs.
Her counselor told us that she’s seeking connection and struggling with anxiety and self-confidence. I should have changed course and said, “I will go with you. Not because you are screaming, but because I see you are struggling and need help.” After the task, we can have a calm conversation about asking for help with nice words instead of yelling. Does this mean she is going to remember this “right” way every time? Absolutely not, but it’s a slow process towards change, and together we march on.
A Dunkin Donuts date on a school holiday.
It is my job to affirm what is true, not convince her of it.
When my daughter isn’t getting her way, she’ll yell, “You don’t love me!” and hide from us. She says it like she believes it, and it’s heartbreaking! In extreme cases, she’ll declare, “I shouldn’t be part of this family. No one loves me. I shouldn’t live here.” Instantly, I picture her as a teenager struggling with real depression, and I want nothing more than to avoid this scenario.
Her counselor told us to stop, sit with her, and say, ”We love you. We will always love you.” I had previously been telling her, “We love you, but we do not love the behavior you choose.” With the new advice, I focused first on calmly repeating only the words “we love you,” even when she screamed and tried to run away. I didn't mention behavior until she was less emotional, and then we would talk about her actions. For a while she stopped saying these phrases, but eventually started again. Her counselor told me that, as long as I have affirmed that we love her, if she continues on and on after that, it’s okay to leave her alone and not encourage using these phrases to get attention.
I can validate her feelings while correcting unacceptable behavior.
We’re in the age of “gentle parenting,” and most of us weren’t raised by gentle parents. Today, we’re told that all of our kids’ feelings are okay. So, when I won’t let my daughter wear a summer dress in the dead of winter, and she throws herself on the floor, flails her arms, and screams, I’m supposed to let her, right? Afterall, she is expressing her emotions and not hurting anyone. Turns out, it’s another wrong approach, and I didn’t know that for a long time.
Now, I tell her, “I see you’re feeling disappointed and maybe even mad at me. That’s okay. But screaming and throwing your body isn’t okay. You need to use words.” Often, I have to walk away and ignore her until she is ready to change her behavior and talk to me — I waited a whopping 80 minutes the other day! Is that ideal? No. Do I always have time? Also no. On school mornings, I have to wrestle her into her clothes while attempting to remain calm, telling her “I understand you are disappointed you can’t wear that dress today. You need to wear something warm. I love you and I want you to be safe.” Easier said than done. Her counselor assures me that when we have a good streak, and then go back to old habits, we’re not failing and we should keep trying. It just takes time and consistency.
At a Mother’s Day mommy-and-me yoga class.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Before becoming a parent, I looked at parents handling their kids' behaviors and thought I knew how I’d do it differently. Now, I know it’s harder when you’re in it. I’ve followed social media parenting experts, spent hours researching behavior, lined up a sleep study, limited screen time, increased one-on-one time, and tried a dozen other things. I still don’t know if we’ve found a “solution” by going to counseling, but I know it isn’t hurting.
It’s hard to speak up when you are struggling with your kids. But seeking outside help when your strategies aren’t working doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, I think it makes you a great parent. It means that you are someone who is willing to do anything to help your child grow into a successful, emotionally-mature, confident adult. And perhaps they will turn around some day and see everything you did to help make it happen.