Therapists refer to play as “a child’s language.” Children naturally express their feelings and ideas through the safety of play. When parents join in, they build bonds and open new lines of communication. Play is not always easy for parents, though, so we asked Registered Play Therapist Amy Mack for tips on how to make play valuable for both parents and kids.  

1. How can I use play to understand and bond with my child? 

Play provides a pathway for connection and communication, which can offer valuable insights into your child’s world. When the opportunity arises to join your child in play, pause and ground yourself, and then bring presence to the playful moment. When possible, follow your child’s lead with focus on attuning to your child’s body language, energy, and emotional states. In these moments, be curious, be silly, be energetic, be imaginative, be creative, and be you — the mother that your child adores and loves. Your child is soaking in these moments of joy and playfulness with you, and on a neurobiological level, they are receiving cues of safety, which regulates them. Or in the words of Fred Rogers, “it’s the things we play with and the people who help us play that make a great difference in our lives.”

2. If children are communicating through play, what signals should I look for when playing with my child?

Listening to your child’s language and stories gives you insight into their thoughts, experiences, and worries. In their play, they might represent how they are understanding and integrating the world around them, including themes that are present in school, at home, or in their social relationships. Play provides children with a natural way to work through conflicts, manage stress, and solve problems.

As you play with your child, you can help them in this process by reflecting on and tracking the play. For example, sometimes my daughter will pretend her Barbies are arguing. Maybe Skipper won’t let Chelsea have a turn, and Chelsea stomps away. I might reflect by saying “that feels really frustrating,” and then I leave space for my daughter to process her feelings without trying to stop it or alter it. Reflecting on the play with your child supports the development of interoceptive awareness, which is internal attunement to body states and signals. Think of it like this: “if I better understand what is happening within me, I can then better respond to the world outside of me.”

3. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to play. Is it bad to tell my child that I don’t want to play? 

“Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day at school today; can I talk to you about it?’ They say, ‘will you play with me?’” This quote by child psychologist Lawerence J. Cohen resonates with me when my body and my “mom brain” feel tired. I remind myself that there is more happening than just play; it is about connection and co-regulation. I see that my child is giving me an opportunity to connect with them.

That said, there are times when we are tired and it’s ok to find alternatives to the play our child prefers to engage in. It’s okay to say that your mind and body need quieter play. You can honor their request by acknowledging it and naming your body state: “I hear that you want to play superheros right now. Mommy’s body is feeling tired and I need a slowed down moment.” You are modeling the power of slowing down and practicing that skill with your child.

4. Many parents juggle hectic schedules. How can we still satisfy our kids’ need to play with us on a busy day?

This is a reality for many parents. Personally speaking, I feel the weight of giving my child my undivided attention while also managing other responsibilities. In these circumstances, I recommend quality over quantity. In my household, I might set the timer for 20 to 30 minutes, during which my child receives presence, attunement, and no distractions. I put away my cell phone, turn off the TV, and really focus on them in that timeframe. I focus on immersing myself in their playful world, in whatever form they choose at that moment. I have heard the idea that when children are getting hugs and snuggling in, they are charging up. I use the same metaphor when I am spending time with my child. I am providing quality time for my child to soak in the charge of connection and co-regulation.

As parents, we can set aside a manageable amount of time for play and know that the time limit is not going to be detrimental to our children. Children are always learning from our cues. It’s okay to model that we have other responsibilities to balance with fun in our lives. We are helping to create a blueprint for when they become adults and face their own challenges and need to manage their own responsibilities.

5. What are some of the biggest challenges that families in CNY are trying to navigate? How can play be therapeutic in coping? 

In CNY, families are experiencing stress for a variety of reasons including economic pressures, post-pandemic culture, high-stress family situations, academic pressures, and managing multiple commitments. Play provides a way to reduce stress, express emotion, and strengthen family bonds. It’s important to remember to slow down for your mental health and have time for playful moments.

Also unique to CNY families is our long winters, which can be challenging and isolating due to the increased time inside. Engaging in playful moments whether with your children or others can help to keep us connected during these lonely months. We are wired for connection; just as much as we need food and water, we need connection with others. Getting outside whenever possible, setting up a playdate, and venturing out to try a new activity can help us feel less isolated and more connected.

Click here to get in touch with Amy Mack! | Photography by www.meghankubiakphotography.com