My son, River and me with Todd’s photo in the background.
“Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn’t actually kill you.”
Diane Lane’s character, Francis, says this in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. The same could be said when your spouse dies. When the one person you swore to spend the rest of your life with passes away too soon, you’re left with dreams never fulfilled and children who will never see their parent again. It should kill you, but it doesn’t. I know because I’m still here. My husband, Todd, passed away from a blood cancer called multiple myeloma in January of 2020 after a 3-year fight.
In the movie, Francis finds herself divorced after discovering her husband is cheating on her. She has to start her life over again. Her friends send her on a trip to Tuscany, where they hope Francis will choose to live life again and not dwell in the sorrow of her ex-husband’s betrayal. They tell her to be brave and choose joy.
Just like Francis’ friends, Todd’s biggest concern was that I was going to be okay without him and not wallow in sorrow. He suggested I adopt a dog. (He knew I always secretly wanted one.) He encouraged me to go back to work after he passed. Finally, he said I’ll see you someday with your new husband. That was his way of telling me to choose joy and live my life.
While on this trip, Francis grows tired of living in sorrow. She takes a risk and buys a house in Tuscany. What comes next is Francis finds that her dreams come true in unexpected ways.
My son, my new love and me at my Purdue University graduation.
Following in Francis’s footsteps I pushed forward after my husband’s death. I wanted to find new ways to experience happiness, so I decided to pursue a master’s degree in communications and chase my dream career. I surprised my family and friends with how I entered this new phase of my life. I think they expected me to sit in sadness for much longer. Although I did have moments where I would fall to the floor and cry, I would get right back up and keep moving forward.
A character in the movie tells Francis, “If you smash into something good, you should hold onto it until you have to let it go.” I held on to my husband, and I still keep his spirit with me, but I haven’t let loss stop me from finding other good things in my life. The craziest thing of all is that I found love again when I didn’t expect it. It’s not easy to date after your spouse dies. Everyone seems to want to pass judgement on when is the right time for a widow to find a partner. I personally say, “why don’t you let the widow decide for herself?!” Ultimately, it is my life. I get to choose! I am glad I didn’t listen to those who wanted me to wallow because I am happy and in love. I found someone who understands my grief, lets me feel it, and never gets jealous of my late husband. My son is thriving and has a close relationship with his stepdad.
So, my advice to you is don’t be afraid to take a risk! Stay brave and never stop looking for happiness. Even in the face of tragedy, whether it’s divorce, losing a spouse, or something else, choose joy because you could find, just like Francis and myself, that there’s a beautiful life waiting on the other side. A life worth living.
And yes, I did adopt a dog.
River and me.